Let's Make a Movie

I know I have been quiet for a while, and I am sorry for that! Things have just been busy! But a good kind of busy. I am trying to get the word out, in as many ways as possible, that it is child abuse to allow children to live on the streets. A while back I wrote a book called Life Under the Table about my experiences (from the first few years of living in Cape Town) in working with the kids. I have posted it as a blog, for those of you that would like to read it just click on the title. While writing that book I was struck with a harsh conclusion: many stories I would like to tell would not fully be “understood” unless the reader has walked a long road with the individual. So if I told stories of hectic crime or drug abuse that the children partake in, I fear the reader might tend to feel negative feelings about the children, without truly understanding the fullness of the situation and reality with which they live. To remedy that, I decided to write a fictional series, based on a mixture of real experiences of real children, combined with my own imagination and story telling liberties.

The idea for the series is to focus on one “character”, tell the story from his point of view (taking him from his community to the streets to wherever his path takes him), and allow the reader to build a relationship with him, so that when he begins to participate in “questionable” behavior of street life, the reader is on “his side”. I have finished the first book of the series (though I have not approached publishers yet) and am working on the second. As I was writing the first book, which I titled Out of Manenberg, I often pictured it as a movie and dreamed about seeing it one day manifest itself in “film” form. I want to make a proper, great quality, feature length film of Out of Manenberg, and though I realize this is extremely ambitious, I know that dreams have to start somewhere. So I have decided to pursue this dream with a little more aggression and I am trying to raise funds to actually MAKE the movie! I have a very talented director friend who is excited and willing to work on the project. All we need is money.

I am trying to raise 1 Million Dollars, which sounds like tons of money but for a feature length film it is merely a drop in the bucket. I started a group on face book “I hope to find 1 million people willing to give 1 dollar each, to make a movie” and I opened a Pay Pal account so that people can give. If you are interested in giving you can click on the “donate” button on the right hand side of your screen or click here. If you want to give but do not wish to use Pay Pal feel free to contact me at capetownbrown@gmail.com. It only takes 1 dollar to become an executive producer of this film! Please help spread the word, even if you can’t give 1 dollar you can help by telling all your friends! As a little incentive, here is the first chapter of the book:

OUT OF MANENBERG - Chapter 1: Learning To Survive

I can’t sleep. Its nights like these where I lay and think. All of my shattered dreams, aspirations, and hopes, of what I could have done, of what I could have been, swirl around in my head like a raging storm. I lay here on this thin mattress with nothing to drown out my loud thoughts except for deafening silence and the sound of rats scratching around the prison floor. Yeah, I have had a rough life, but I truly have no one to blame but myself for the place I am in now. I had an opportunity to make it out of my life, that was destined to go nowhere, and then because of one stupid choice, I threw it all away. I will spend the rest of my life behind these walls, encaged within these bars. How did I get here? There’s no simple answer, but the best place to start is the beginning.

I was born in 1987 in Manenberg, a suburb of Cape Town that has a reputation for violence and gangsterism. I never knew my father, but from what I hear about him, I don’t really care to ever meet him. He lives far away or is dead by now. I don’t really care. I have three brothers and two sisters, all except for two are from different men. I am the oldest. My mom was as loving as she knew how to be. She also didn’t know her father. That’s because her mom was raped by a white police officer. She grew up during a hard time and the white people made it difficult for her to succeed. She had no education and she would try and drink away her problems with alcohol. She didn’t have a job but we never seemed to struggle too much for our basic needs. Well, that is if you consider water, sometimes food and shelter basic needs. Our neighbors would always give us rice and bread when we needed it.

I have always been a natural leader. I am small, but I learned how to use my mouth at a young age. I got into my fare share of trouble because of my mouth, but I also learned how to use it as a deadly weapon, when need be. I have also been in my fair share of fights, and though I am small, I am pretty tough. I remember my first fight. I was seven, and my brother, the second oldest, Andre was four. He came home one day screaming and blood was streaming down his face. Mom had sent him to the store to buy her a cigarette and on the way Melvin, one of the known troublemakers of our area, tried to take his money. Melvin was a thirteen-year-old bully and he got away with it because his older brother was one of the big shots in one of the prominent gangs in our area, the Hard Livings. When Melvin tried to take the money from Andre, my brother knew that the beating he would get from Melvin would not be nearly as bad as the one he would get from my mom if he returned home with no cigarette and no money, so he stood up to him. Melvin hit Andre so hard that he fell and busted his head open on the ground. Then Melvin sat on Andre and took the money from him.

I listened, as Andre stood there crying and bleeding all over the floor. After I had gotten the facts straight, I decided to go settle things with Melvin. No one messes with my little brother. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I ran to confront Melvin. By the time I got to the shop, Melvin was standing there, smoking the cigarette that was supposed to be my mom’s and he was laughing and telling the story of how he had gotten it, to a group of about five of his friends. I felt a warm sensation all over my body and it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Melvin was twice my size and known for his fighting abilities.

I picked up a brick that was lying on the ground and started for him. Before he knew it, I had jumped up onto him and I hit him on the forehead with the brick. As he fell to the ground, I landed on top of him. The brick fell out of my hands and bounced as it hit the ground. My arms went numb as I punched him in the face over and over again. I could feel my knuckles being shredded by his teeth but I could not stop myself. I had never felt that kind of rage before. His friends stood there in shock, not really knowing what to do. When I saw that he was unconscious, I stopped. There I sat, on top of bloody, unconscious Melvin, with a group of kids standing there in absolute shock. I slowly stood up and picked the brick back up, in case some of his friends got any bright ideas. I looked at them and I could tell that I had a wild look in my eyes that scared them; a look of a wild animal on the prowl, ready to devour his next prey. They all just stood there like statues. I announced, “You tell Melvin, when he wakes up, that if he EVER touches my brother again, I will finish what I started.” Pretty big words for a seven year old! But I had heard the older gangsters in our block of flats say things like that before.

Then I remembered my mom’s cigarette and I searched Melvin’s pocket and found a whole rand. I went into the shop and bought the cigarette for my mom and two sweets, one for me and one for Andre. I walked proudly back to my house. I felt a sense of power that I had never felt before. I felt like I ruled the neighborhood. I felt like I could take on a whole army if I had to. When I got back to my house, I gave my mom her cigarette and I gave Andre his sweet and I sat down and told him the whole story.

Fighting was a necessity in my neighborhood. Those who couldn’t fight for themselves, had to walk around with those who could both fight for them and for themselves. The gangs ruled the area and they preyed on the young boys. They recruited from a very young age. If you didn’t join a gang, you were in danger. At least if you were in a gang, you would only have the threat of the rival gang and the protection of your own along with it. If you were not in one, you would have to watch your back all the time for all of them. I hated them. I decided from a young age that I was never going to join a gang.

Andre’s dad was a gangster. He lived with us around that same time. The hatred that I had for that man is not describable with words. Every night, he would sit with his friends, in our kitchen, and smoke buttons until he could barely talk right. I hated him even more when he was in that state. He was an evil man most of the time, but when he was dik geroek , he would put the devil himself to shame. Sometimes he would even pass out right there on the floor. I preferred it when he would just kap om , which was only every now and then, because the other times, which was basically every night, he would end up beating my mom and then he would turn his attention on Andre. He hated Andre and always talked about how he was a “mistake”. He beat every bit of dignity and self-respect that was left in my mom, right out of her.

I remember her from a real young age. Even though it seems I was too young to remember things like that, I can still picture her beautiful face in my mind! I thought she was the most beautiful lady that had ever walked on the face of this earth. She was young, at the ripe age of 19, when I was born. When I was three she got with Andre’s dad and then everything went down hill from there. Their relationship was never that good but he only started really beating her like that when he found out she was pregnant with Andre. He blamed her for getting pregnant and some nights he would make her drink and drink to a dangerous point, to try and abort the baby. Some nights he would beat her and even hit and kick her on her stomach. I was young, and I would just sit there on the floor crying, but those pictures are still engraved in my mind.

When Andre was born, it got even worse. He beat my mom on a nightly basis. By the time Andre was three and I was six, my mom looked like a totally different person to the beautiful young lady that I once remembered. The beatings had added years onto her and she looked like a forty-year-old lady. She had also lost sight in her left eye from one of the more vicious beatings. Her eye was white and cloudy. Her skin was worn and looked like leather and her lips were always swollen. It broke my heart to even look at her because I loved my mom more than anyone else in the world. When I was eight years old, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I came in from playing with friends one night and I found my mom, bleeding and unconscious, on the floor. Then I heard Andre screaming in the back room and I could hear his dad beating him and telling him to shut his mouth. His words slurred together, as they often did when he was dik geroek.

I felt that same feeling that I did in that first fight with Melvin. By then I had gotten used to it because I had been in many more fights over the years. I picked up a screwdriver that was laying in the kitchen and I ran back to the back room. I stopped in the doorway and saw the bastard standing over Andre with his belt in his hands. Andre was curled up on the floor and was crying and pleading for him to stop. “Jou ma se poes kind! Jy’s net soos jou ma!” He continued to hit Andre, with the buckle part of the belt. I could not take it anymore. I felt a rush of rage and then everything turned black. I jumped on his back and stuck the screwdriver into the back of his neck and he immediately fell to the ground. He fell on top of my leg and I had to pull it out from under him to stand up. I went over to Andre and helped him sit up.

His eyes were swollen shut from the beatings and he was bleeding all over. I held him and told him that everything was going to be alright. My heart felt like it was ripped into a hundred pieces. I loved my brother more than anything or anyone else in the world, apart from my mom, and it killed me to see him like that. I started to cry and I sobbed like never before. We just sat there on the floor and I held Andre until he fell asleep in my arms. I was in shock and I just sat there, shaking, crying and I held Andre tight until I eventually fell asleep. I was awoken by a loud blood-curdling scream the next morning. My mom had woken up and came into the room and saw her man laying on the floor in a puddle of dried blood with a screw driver sticking out of the back of his neck. She picked me up and started shaking me, screaming, “What have you done?! What have you done?!” I searched deep within for words, but nothing came out.

She collapsed to the ground and held me tight in her arms and began to sob. I could see that she wasn’t crying because she was sad, but because she was actually relieved. Andre woke up and came over and we all sat there on the floor for hours. Time passed by slowly and we all just sat there and didn’t say a word. Looking back, strangely enough, that was the best time I ever spent with my mom. For the first time ever…maybe the only time…we felt like a real family. We sat there until the night and my mom finally went out to a friend’s house. A little bit later she returned with some men and they took away the body and we never heard anything about it again. The police didn’t get involved and there wasn’t even a funeral. Of course the word got out in the neighborhood, that I had killed a man, which only helped my reputation amongst the kids.

I had killed someone. I felt no remorse, no grief, but that wasn’t the thing that scared me. What really scared me was that I knew if I were put in the same situation again, I would do it over again. I had to protect my mom and my brother. They were all I had.

Take the Challenge!

Love Feedback Form

A church in Worcester (about an hour or so from Cape Town) has asked me to come on Sunday and speak on Love. They are doing a series on “love in action” type of a thing, and are trying to mobilize their church into being active and involved in seeing change come in their community, with the driving force of God’s love. So in preparation for my “sermon” I have really been meditating and pondering on what love really is, how it is supposed to be lived out, and questioning if we as the church really represent love in the way Jesus did, the way we are supposed to. In all my reading, writing, thinking, praying, scribbling, pondering and so on, I found myself stuck in a very cliché chapter of the Bible: 1 Corinthians chapter 13.

I feel like this chapter could serve as a “feedback form” (like one you would fill out at a restaurant or a shop that asks for your customer feedback) if we allowed it to. You see, as Christians, above all else, we are called to love. Jesus made that clear when He was asked about the most important commandment; to love God and to love others. But do we get caught up in our own agendas, our own programs (even though we are convinced they are “of God”), and our own pride, or are we really living, walking, breathing, LOVING examples of Jesus? As I said, I think 1 Corinthians chapter 13 holds the answer to that. We could read it and judge for ourselves but often we might not have a totally clear picture of who we are and how we represent ourselves and God to others. So better yet, we could create a “service provider feedback form” based on 1 Corinthians chapter 13.

All you have to do is replace the word “love” with your name, print out a bunch of forms, and hand them out to all your friends and family, Christian and Non, asking them to openly and honestly give their opinions and feedback; you might find they will be more honest if they are allowed to remain anonymous. The form could go as follows:

Love Service Provision of Ryan: Feedback form

Instructions: Please read the following statements, think carefully about the best answer and rate the validity in the statement from 1 to 10 (1 being “very much NOT true”, and 10 being “VERY much true”), pertaining to how you view Ryan.

Ryan is patient. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is kind. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not envious. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not boastful. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not arrogant. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not rude. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan does not insist on his own way. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not irritable. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan is not resentful. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ryan bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, & endures all things. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Please feel free to add additional comments about Ryan:______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this form! Your feedback is important to Ryan!

If it Doesn't Fit...

This post may come across as mean, seeing that you won’t be able to hear the loving tone that I am typing it in. So please try and hear my heart in this. I am not trying to be judgmental, or mean, or rude. But this is just something I have thought about for a while and want to get it out. Ok, so now that I have built it up so much, here goes…

It often seems that some Christians have a type of spiritual turrets in the form of a compulsion to throw in comments about God during conversations, even if those comments do not fit. Similar to that jigsaw puzzle piece that you want so badly to fit, but it just won’t, no matter how hard you smash it! Don’t get me wrong, I am all about speaking about God. I think He is great! I am speaking about Him right now. But I do not see the need to force Him into every single conversation I have, most especially when it would just be totally out of place and random.

I myself, being a Christian, have found it frustrating having conversations with people who do this, so I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for a nonChristian. I asked one of my friends, who does not currently believe in God, what he thinks about it. He said, “I really hate it when Christians feel compelled to interject their conversations with a bunch of garbage, like I am supposed to be impressed.” Though those are strong sentiments, I can’t say that my feelings are far from them. I guess the reason for my detestation of this social habit is because to me it feels fake and forced. When people have a close connection with God, it shows in their lifestyles, it naturally comes up in their conversations, but I have found most of those people do not have to try and bring God up, He is just an every day, yet important, part of their life and therefore He naturally comes up in conversation when He needs to. But when a person makes a random comment about God, one that would be considered "stretching it" as a relevant response to what i had just said, that comment, and in turn person, tends to come off as phony.

I am talking about things like me asking someone how they are doing and they reply with “God is good!” Not only does that not answer my question but it is stating the obvious. If i ask you how you are doing i really want to know how you are doing! In speaking to nonbelievers, and also being one myself for quite large portion of my life, I find they often feel like Christians have ulterior motives in building relationships with them, and these ulterior motives manifest themselves through conversations. According to them, they feel like some Christians look for every opportunity to mention God, in an attempt to “minister” to them, but they see through it and are not impressed by it. My friend I mentioned before went on to say, "Christians seem to always feel like they need to convert me in these conversations. You know what, you interjecting God into conversations isn't going to convert me. It is just going to annoy me."

People are very clever! They can see through things pretty easily. Especially in this day and age, when people have such a hunger for reality; every other show on television is a reality show. When they are served anything less than reality, they reject in its lack of authenticity. I know the intentions of these Christians are good in trying to bring up God in every conversation, but we have to realize that the point is not to name drop and bible bash; that our lifestyles should reflect Jesus in a way that we need not mention Him in every other sentence. And then, when people can see that we are genuine and true in our relationship with them and God, conversations revolving around Him and them will probably happen. And if they don’t, we shouldn't’t feel it is our inherent duty to force God into our conversations. We continue to live, love and let our actions speak louder than our hollow words. So I am asking nicely, if it doesn’t fit, pretty please with sugar on top, don’t force it!

My Daily Wages

Whether we like it or not, how we view sin impacts how we interact with the world, others around us living in the world, and even God Himself. But equally so, how we view God affects the way that we view sin, and our reasoning for attempting to stay away from it as much as possible, or indulging in it as we please. Let’s face it, for the most part, sin is fun! For the most part it feels great. And much of the time it is more pleasurable and “easy” to sin, than it is to abstain from it. We are carnal people and there is a carnal desire within us to feed that carnal hunger. The bible tells us that there is not one person, no not one, who is free from sin. It is also very obvious the destruction that sin, especially habitual sin, can bring to the life of an individual, and those around that individual.

I guess the way we view sin goes back to the conversation of our struggle in an attempt to serve a loving, caring, graceful God, and a God that calls us to live a life of holiness and righteous, that is set apart from the world. I often see how Christians go to one side or the other and lead people into lifestyles that are equally undesirable on both sides of the pole. Some Christians scare people into salvation by introducing them to a vengeful God, full of fury and ready to punish His children because of their sin. These people then enter into an impossible life of trying to please a God that calls for perfection in an imperfect world, and often find themselves enslaved in a life of legalism. Other Christians put more emphasis on the loving qualities of God, but do not meet that with His desire for his followers to stay pure. These people often find themselves living carefree lives, with no real boundaries in their lives, and with this relaxed attitude, they potentially move further away from God as time goes on.

I think it is important to have a Godly view of sin, and truly understand the reasoning behind Him creating a set of laws pertaining to it. Many people, especially nonChristians, view Christianity as a rigid way of life, bound by rules and regulations, and no fun what-so-ever. But when I look back to the time when God used Moses to introduce these laws, I do not see a God that wanted to bind His children up with law, but rather a God who saw the destruction that sin caused in their lives, the separation it caused between them and Him, and a loving desire to protect them from that. So these laws were not created to oppress people, but to protect them. However, we often use these very laws to judge, condemn and oppress people. To truly have a Godly view of sin, we first have to ascertain how we view God Himself. I like to compare it to different parenting styles.

A controlling parent who places strict, rigid rules and regulations for their child may feel like they are doing the loving thing by setting these standards of perfection and coming down with an iron fist when the child breaks those rules. It is true in fact children need boundaries. But if those strict boundaries are not met with grace, expressed love and healthy concern, the child will merely see those laws as the parent’s effort to “control” them. Often these children end up rebelling against the parent, or eventually get out in the "real world" where lax rules and regulations exist and struggle to make healthy and mature decisions for themselves. On the other side we see the laissez-faire parent who sets no rules and regulations for their children and allows them to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with the focus of “just trying to be the child’s friend” in mind. This relaxed, nonjudgmental, no boundary approach often also sets the child up for failure in the real world without a basis of basic rules and morals being taught to him. Though these children think their parents are “so cool” when they are young, they often have a deep, inset insecurity with the world and feel unsafe, having no boundaries and moral guidance. They are equally unprepared to go into the real world and, as adults, often end up resenting their parents.

Another form of parenting would be a healthy mixture of laying out expected morals and rules for the child and giving them a loving environment to make mistakes with loving, realistic consequences. It is a healthy combination of the parent expressing to the child, and living out an example, of the morals and lifestyles that they expect, but also knowing that the child will mess up, and being willing to be there to help lovingly pick up the pieces with them, when need be; the mixture of a set and expected standard of morality along with grace. I feel like this is the kind of parent we have in God. He has a set of morals and standards that he expects us to live up to, mostly for our own protection and the protection of those around us. But He is not waiting to come down hard on us for each and every mistake and He doesn’t want us to live a life that is bound up by legalism. He expects a lot out of us, but He is also more aware, more aware than we are, that we are imperfect creatures in an imperfect world, and we will in fact mess up on a daily basis, and He is waiting with open, loving arms when we come to that realization as well.

The problem with how we view God’s response to sin, and how we view sin is it affects how we act towards others, most especially those we perceive to be “living in sin”. If we recognize that we all sin, in one way or another, on a regular and daily basis, and though we should try to live a life of purity we will often fail, we would not get caught up in legalistic lifestyles, holding ourselves and others captive with the law. But equally, if we are aware of the truly destructive ramifications sin can have in the lives of individuals, and those around that individual, we would also not take sin so lightly. I feel that with a Godly view of sin, we are much more empowered to truly “love the sinner and hate the sin”, because our first instinct would not be to judge or condemn a person we see “living in sin”, but it would be to see the pain which that very sin can potentially cause in that individuals life, and act accordingly in love and compassion for that individual. I guess a huge problem is we often have that plank in our eye which warps our view of the tiny little splinter in someone else’s, which I see as even more reason to try and arrive at, and hold on to, a Godly view of sin.

What is the Meaning of Life?

I have stacks of facebook friends!! Around 1,111 at the moment. I would say i actually know 70 to 80% of them, and the rest are just random people who added me and I accepted. I try not to be a facebook snob so as long as the picture isn't some girl in a bikini and soap suds, i pretty much add the person. Anyways, i occasionally have random contact with the 30 to 20% of facebook "friends" that i do not really know. Sometimes it is in the form of a message or a wall post, it is often in the form of an invitation for some weird application or another that i never add, and occasionally some stranger, yet "friend", will interrupt my facebook session by chatting to me. This happened late one night about two weeks ago.

I don't remember what time it was but it was late and i couldn't sleep, so i got on facebook. I was just doing the usual facebook "thing" when all of the sudden a little chat box popped up on my screen. I did not recognize the name of the person chatting and thought it might end up being one of those spam chat messages. I looked at the text and it said, in all caps, "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?" I sat there with a weird "Am i Neo in the Matrix?" type feeling. You know that part in the beginning of the movie when he is on his computer and then his "computer" starts talking back to him? Yeah! I recalled all the things Neo went through after responding to his cryptic message late one night and i pondered whether i was up for such adventure. I decided i was still not very tired and didn't really have anything better to do, so i responded.

I first wanted to make sure the dude was serious before i responded with some profound statement, so i asked, "Are you serious?". Seconds later, again in all caps, his response came, "DEAD SERIOUS!". Ok, now that i had established he was not joking around i had to be extra careful what i said to this guy that is obviously searching and reaching out. I sat there for a moment and really thought about it. What is the meaning of life? Wow! Good question! I responded, "My opinion, everybody's different, and therefore find different meaning in different things and ways of life. For me it is to serve God and others, and make the biggest dent (of positive change) possible in the people and communities around me before i die." That seemed to satisfy him and he sent back a very gracious message as to how he was encouraged by the statement and he thanked me.

That experience, mixed with the information in a book i am reading at the moment called UnChristian, really got me thinking about this whole "meaning of life" thing. We live in a world where people are truly looking for something meaningful in their lives: their "place", their "purpose", their greater calling, the very reason for their existence. And i do not think that this is a "want" within people, i believe that it is a deeply implanted NEED in each and every human being, and i also believe it was placed their by God. Sadly, I feel that often we as the church fail when it comes to an appropriate response to this need within people. We regularly meet this need with a shallow gospel that does not go beyond "Jesus saves" and rarely sees the person into a true discipleship. We meet this need with quirky phrases and "marketing tools" like tracts, that do not begin to scratch the surface of this deep and profound question within people. We meet their need for meaning by judging and condemning the things that they partake in in order to try and find meaning, and merely offer dead religion in return. We meet their need with a strict set of laws and tell them that there is "freedom in Christ", but cannot see that we ourselves are bound.

Now, i am not trying to generalize and say that this is every Christian's response to this question "what is the meaning of life", but reading UnChristian (a book based on extensive research done about the perceptions of Christians and Christianity) i realise that those responses i just mentioned are the experiences and perceptions of a vast majority of nonChristians in America, and probably around the world. As Christians we should, more than anyone else, hold the answer to this important question, but we often do not know the answer ourselves, and therefore are not capable of answering the question when asked by others. I think it is vital that we all take a deep look within and ask that essential question to ourselves. What is the meaning of life? Is it to acquire as much wealth as possible, is it to serve yourself, is it to live by a rigid set of laws, is it to become the Pharisees of modern times? We have to be aware of the type of meaning that Jesus calls us to, really and truly seek it for ourselves and then we will be in the position to answer that question for others. If we ourselves do not live in a true way, finding the meaning that God intended for us, then any response we offer to a hurting, searching, and questioning world will be hollow and meaningless. We owe it to them to offer them more!

Make Sure You are being Persecuted for the Right Reasons: Why People Hate Christians

It is no question that Christians are hated by many people. Though the Bible does speak about persecution, it often worries me how some Christians misbehave, and then others respond negatively to that behavior, and then that response is merely shrugged off as “persecution”. Should we, as Christians, be worried about our image and what people think about us? In my opinion, absolutely! Not in a insecure high school way where we will do anything and everything to be viewed as “cool”, based on our concern about what others think about us. But should we realize that we claim to be “made in God’s image”, “ambassadors of His word”, and are defined by a label that literally means “follower of Christ”, and therefore be aware of, and sensitive to what we are putting out to the world and how we are reflecting God to others? YES!

In different reading I have done I have found something very interesting; many people that do not like Christians also do not have a problem with Jesus. Gandhi even said something along the lines of, “The whole world would believe in Jesus if it were not for Christians.” So if many non-believers don't seem to have a problem with Jesus, and we are supposed to be reflecting Him, what are we doing wrong? I visited several websites that label themselves as atheist and agnostic and looked at some of their discussions about Christians and Christianity. Unfortunately, much of their feelings and hatred for Christians did not seem to come out of a place of “ignorance” or lack of interaction with Christians, but rather the opposite. Most of these people’s detestation for Christians came out of personal experiences in which they were mistreated, judged, spoken down to, yelled at, condemned, or damned by a Christian. I know it is not good to generalize a whole (Christian) population of people based on the actions of a few people, but these days it also seems as though it is not just a “few” people who are behaving in these ways.

I went to a discussion that stemmed out of the question “Why do so many people hate Christians?” on Yahoo Answers. The question itself was posted by a user who titles himself as a “devoted Christian” and under his question says, “Seriously... Why do so many people hate Christians? We are people! Better people than most actually, but God loves everyone... even atheists...” This arrogant statement alone seemed to answer the question that preceded the statement. “Better people than most actually”?? One user responded, “Better people than most actually is a large part of it. Many Christians have a massive superiority complex and think they are better than everyone. Many are very pushy. Maybe if they tried connecting to and respecting people instead of shoving their beliefs down others' throats they be less maligned.” I think that is a very fair, honest and good answer.

The interesting part of this particular Yahoo Answer discussion was there were many open and honest responses from people giving their perspective of why people, or they themselves, do not like Christians. I find their comments helpful. But even more intriguing to me was the question that was chosen as the “best answer”, chosen by the asker. The answer came from a Christian, and it was not a personal comment, but merely three quotes from scripture speaking about how “Jesus was persecuted and therefore we should expect persecution as well”. It showed me that the asker seemingly was not as interested in hearing why real, “non-Christian” people “hate Christians”, as he was in shrugging those sentiments off as “persecution”. Though I believe in the words in those three scriptures I am afraid that many of the actions in which Christians receive flack for these days are in no way comparable to the actions of Jesus, and therefore cannot be viewed as “persecution as He received it”.

I think it would do us, as Christians, good to sit down and have discussion with non-Christian people around us, asking them how they feel about Christians. Our purpose in those conversations should not be to try and “win those people over” but merely to listen; hear what they think, hear how they feel, hear what experiences molded those beliefs and feelings they have towards Christians. I feel like if we would be mature enough to have these conversations, where we merely listen, and don’t feel like we have to defend ourselves, God or Christianity, then we would be in a better position to take stock of our actions, seeing which behaviors are “Godly” and therefore misunderstood by non-believers, and which behaviors are prideful, arrogant, self righteous, judgmental, condemning, hurtful, ungodly and even sinful. Also, if we were able to sit and have a nonjudgmental, unheated conversation with someone who claims to “hate Christians”, the act of merely listening and trying to understand might just begin to chip away at their views of Christians. Just a thought.

The Gospel of Ignorance

I really don’t know why I have been traumatizing myself in this way, but I guess it has been in the interest of seeing how God and Christianity are being misrepresented online; I have been googling different phrases like, “God hates you”, “God hates fags”, and so on, which has lead me to all sorts of different blogs and websites that insight racism, many forms of hate speech towards all different types of groupings of people, and an enormous dose of pure and uncensored abhorrence! I find these websites and blogs utterly and completely disgusting, disturbing and ridiculous! As if the blog posts on these pages were not hateful enough, with titles like, “Homosexuality Killed John Travolta’s Little Retard” and “Prayer Warriors: Please pray for this fat, stupid Negress!” the comments that are found below them, justifying and rationalizing their stance, are equally if not more nauseating!

These two posts specifically come from a website called “Republican Faith Chat”, and it sadly seems to have a large following. For instance, in the above mentioned racist post, one of the comments from “Lillian Push”, who seems to be an avid follower of this blog, goes as followed:

“As a Christian, I don’t believe in either racism or evolution.
But I do believe that there is a human subspecies that lives amongst us.
Sort of half-human half-gorilla. I think that this video is a perfect example of this type of creature.
Clearly, this human/gorilla is too stupid to protect itself.
It deserves our pity, not our laughs.
This gorilla/human doesn’t know any better. Please, with the compassion of Christ, I ask that my fellow Christians have pity on this stupid creature. She knows not what she does. She is like a dog that pees on the carpet. Have mercy on this wretched beast.

In His Name I pray,
Lillian”

DISGUSTING!!!!!!! I just vomited in my mouth a little!! Though I know that these people do not represent the entire Christian population in beliefs and views expressed, they do in fact “represent” Christianity to the world by title, connecting themselves to God and Christianity and putting these ignorant statements out there for the world to read. I am deeply saddened by this! I know, in turn, it would be wrong for me to hate these people and not love them, but it is very tempting! I realized that this shows my own hypocrisy because I have feel compassion towards the very people these bloggers attack, and yet I feel absolutely nothing for these "so-called-Christian" bloggers! But in my hypocrisy of feelings towards them, I do believe strongly that this type of hate should not be spread, even more so and most especially, in the name of God, and I do not think it should be tolerated what-so-ever! I don't know what to do about it, but i am open to suggestions. So, if you have a free moment and you enjoy literature of the horror genre, go to this blog.

On Questioning…

One thing I have realized over the years is that Christians are most often terrified of questions. I think we frequently get caught up in trying to defend our “faith” and yes, even defend God Himself. I have also noticed the stronger a person’s belief in God is, based on their personal experiences with Him, the less intimidated they are with questions, but people who are a wee bit shaky in their faith, whether they admit it or not, are thrown off by questions. I think it is important to try and understand God and His ways as much as possible, but I am also very aware that in this world we are bound by certain parameters that make understanding the fullness of eternal things very difficult! I feel there are some questions that do not have answers, at least for now, and I am ok with that.

But I appreciate people who are not afraid to ask difficult questions, and even more so when there are no apparent answers to those questions. I have seen how Christians get spooked by things like the Da Vinci Code because it challenges their beliefs. I appreciate a guy like Donald Miller who can say, “Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don’t believe in God and they can prove He doesn’t exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it’s about who is smarter, and honestly I don’t care.” (Blue Like Jazz) I see the need for simple faith and trust, but at the same time I see the need for questions, or at least the need to not be intimidated by other people’s questions.

I recently watched a documentary by Bill Maher called Religulous. It is a film that has caused a pretty, pretty big stir in Christian circles! He is basically saying there is no need for religion and went around trying to make people from all different religions look stupid for their beliefs. I must admit, I sat through it, enjoyed it from an entertainment perspective, and saw the validity in many of Bill’s questions. Does that mean I agree with him? Not at all. But I could see how much of his premise of the film was built on past hurts from experiences with certain religions, and, as I said, he asked some pretty good questions. He is just as dead set in his opinion that God does not exist and there is no need for religion, as we should be in our belief that God does exist. But I guess we easily get worked up if someone challenges us head on like that.

I think the important thing to remember is we are trying to grasp and grapple with eternal things; things that do not have the context and boundaries of this world that we know. So, it is understandable that we might get confused trying to understand these eternal things through the size, shape, time, color and earthly context which we know. So it is even more understandable that a complete "outsider" would find these things totally absurd! I often even wonder if it was frustrating for Jesus, coming from an eternal realm, to be wrapped in flesh and have to try and explain the Kingdom of God in the context of what humans know and experience. What a task! Good thing He was all man AND all God at the same time! That probably came in handy. But reading about Jesus’ time on earth you often read about the disciples just “not getting” the things He was often explaining to them. Even when they saw it with their own eyes! But Jesus was very patient with them.

All of this to say, I think the first, and most important question to ask should be directed at our self: What do I believe and how deeply do I believe it? (Ok, I guess that was two questions but I put it in one sentence.) Because the answer to that question will gauge how secure we are in asking other questions, and receiving other people’s questions. I have a strong faith in God and He has been involved in my life in a way that I could never be able to deny his existence! So it doesn’t matter what questions come my way, even if I do not know the answers, they will not shake that knowledge I have in, and of, Him. And because I am not a “child” that is insecure in my relationship with my Father, it allows me to be more secure in Him, and in the world, when questions are thrown my way. I don’t have to get defensive or upset, because I feel safe in my belief in Him.

I honestly can’t imagine God being scared of questions either. I mean, He is the creator of the universe and all. So I also think that we should not be afraid to ask Him questions, keeping in mind that we should not look for answers in “our” way. Like those people that ask you something and are only waiting for the response they want to hear. I like Chris Rice’s words in one of his songs, “God if you're there I wish you'd show me and God if you care then I need you to know me. I hope you don't mind me askin' the questions but I figure you're big enough; I figure you're big enough.” (Big Enough) We just have to come to a point where we realize that God is big enough for our questions, and once we truly have trust and faith in His “size”, then we also do not have to be frightened by questions, of our own, and those of others. And other times we just have to be ok with simple faith like a child, not need answers for everything.

One Question…Is it Ok to Question?

I came into the Kingdom of God questioning everything. Not because I was trying to disprove anything, but as a curious 16 year old, eager to learn about this God that had come into a relationship with, I was merely inquisitive as to where many of the Christian traditions and rituals came from. I would often naively ask, “Is this something God told us to do, or just something humans made up?” and I know that question in my heart was not coming from a place of arrogance or rebellion, but it was truly my young mind trying to wrap itself around all the new “things of God” that I was seeing and experiencing. Some Christians responded to my questions better than others.

For instance, I remember being slightly confused by the ritual of communion. I remember reading about the last supper and would try and picture what it must have been like on that evening. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotion and nostalgia that must have hung thick in the air. These were people that had literally walked, traveled, eaten, ministered, served, laughed, cried, and lived with Jesus on a daily basis for about three years, and now, He was telling them that he had to be killed, and that, in fact, one of the people with which He had walked so closely would be the one to betray Him, but He must do it, and that meal before them would literally be the last meal they shared together. Heavy stuff!

As I read the text I would try and put myself in the shoes of one of the disciples. I think when Jesus lifted up a piece of bread and said, “This is my body…” I would have leaned over to the guy sitting next to me and said, “Psssst! What is He talking about?!”. I think that might have been a little too profound for my small brain! But one thing that I think I would have taken away from that experience were His words, “Every time you do this, do it in remembrance of me.” So I am sure after that every time me and the disciples were just kicking back and sharing a meal together, there would be a certain since of reminiscence in the air, much like the evening of the last supper, as I imagine it. I do not think we would have had to create opportunities to break bread together and drink a little wine, but I think it would have just naturally happened, probably on a daily basis, us being close, and friends and all; but I guarantee that whenever we did do it, we would definitely remember our good friend and teacher Jesus.

As a young Christian, I remember finding the ritual of communion a bit strange: once a month, we would pass around little pieces of dry, stale crackers, and little shot glasses of grape juice, and then we would “have communion together”. It was never quite how I envisioned the last supper being. I was also confused because I understood the word communion to have more to do with relationships and company than a specific ritual or act. The New Penguin Dictionary defines communion as “intimate fellowship or rapport”. I was also confused about how, often after church, we would go out and eat, which were situations more like how I pictured the last supper, but there was rarely any mention of us doing that in remembrance of Jesus. I remember asking an older Christian about it:

Me: Why do we use little, stale crackers and shot glasses of grape juice for communion?

Old Christian: Because they are symbols of the blood and body of Jesus.

Me: Yeah I know, but wasn’t the last supper, in context of those days, just a pretty normal meal of those times? And seeing that wine and bread are not really staples in our diet around these parts, why don’t we just do it over a hamburger and coke or something?

Old Christian: Well, because that is just not the way we do it. Communion is a sacred time where we have to be reverent, and Jesus used wine and bread as a symbol of His blood and body, so we do too.

(I wanted to probe a little more about how a little shooter of grape juice was wine, but I didn’t want to push my luck and had more questions to ask.)

Me: Ok…so, if Jesus said EVERY TIME you do this, do it in remembrance of me, then why do we only do it once a month?

Old Christian: Well…uh, because…that’s just the way we have always done it.

Me: Yeah, but why?

Old Christian: (becoming a little annoyed and defensive) Because that’s just the way things have always been done and that’s the way we do it now.

Me: Ok. Thanks! (not satisfied in the least but trying to act appreciative)

I realized that humans feel safe within rituals and traditions. We like the “known” and are not always comfortable when those things are challenged. I feel that asking questions is very important. They should come from a true and humble place, but I believe it is good to question things. If we are doing things merely because “that’s just the way we have always done it”, have they not lost their meaning a bit? I think the important thing is to be open to read God’s word and be able to translate those truths and ways of honoring Him into our modern, everyday life. I am not saying the way people do communion is “wrong”, and I think it is an important ritual to maintain. However, what I am saying is that when we get to the point of just doing things “because we have always done them that way”, we should take a minute to really question, take stock, and reevaluate why we do it, and maybe even see how we can adapt it to our modern day way of life, making that act even more meaningful and relevant to us today.

OH WOW!

I am pretty blown away right now! I just stumbled upon some pretty disturbing websites belonging to Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church. I understand this is a very small, select group of people that are terribly misrepresenting God, Christianity and pretty much anything and everything that has to do with both of the two, but i can't helped but feel deeply disturbed. At first i actually thought it was a joke, but the more i read the more i realised that these people are for real! If you are in the mood for some heavy reading visit one of their websites. The one that i first stumbled upon was God Hates America. They say that God Hates America, Americans will end up eating their babies, they pray for more dead U.S. soldiers, they will not pray for America, "Fags" and all "Fag enablers" are going straight to hell, Obama is the Antichrist, God doesn't love everyone, and on and on with all kinds of other hate. And judging by their contact page they are not looking into hearing any other views. Here's a taste from their contact page:


"We are not really interested in a dialogue with you demon-posessed perverts. We are not out to change your minds, win your soul to Jesus, agree to disagree, find common ground upon which to build a meaningful long-term relationship, or any other of your euphemisms for compromising in our stance on the Word of God. If your question is answered in the FAQ, don't expect a reply. If your question is already answered in one of our blogs, don't expect a response. If your message is a tirade of childish nonsense or full of profanity, don't expect that your message will even be read. For those of you who do get a reply, if you don't like what we have to say, deal with it. We aren't here to make you happy, we're here to deliver a message.
Oh, and Pastor Phelps doesn't do email. If one of us thinks that your message was unique or interesting enough to pass on to him, he'll get it, but since less than .01% of all messages received fit that category, don't expect him to see, much less respond to your drivel.
Thanks for writing!"

WOW!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhere in the Middle

God is Holy, All Powerful, Almighty, and yet Loving, and full of Grace. I think this is lays the foundation for one of the most difficult struggles for a believer. We are called to live a life that is set apart, holy and acceptable to God, yet we are also expected to not be bound by law and live lives of freedom, full of grace and love. At a first glance, I think especially for nonbelievers, this may cause God to come off as schizophrenic, and Christians are also often viewed in the same light. Over the years I have learned that God in fact does not have a split personality, and these two characteristics of Him go hand in hand, but often in our journey to understand and follow Him we struggle to find middle ground between these two traits. In my experience, I have seen that it is common for believers to choose one “side” or the other, either living a life trying to please a Holy and demanding God, or living a life of grace, attempting to be free from the law. The church as a whole therefore comes off as a ridiculous seesaw as the right and left wingers take their sides, and exchange their blows.

Unfortunately, one without the other leads to an incomplete Christian lifestyle. I look at my own personal journey with this particular scuffle between opposing poles and I see that I am constantly learning what it means to live “in” the world, but not “of” it, and yet remain relevant and loving to others living alongside me. I have seen how, at different points in my life, I have lived on both sides of the extremes, and though I feel that I have found some sort of a “middle ground”, it is a daily struggle and effort to be there.

For instance, when I first became a Christian I was truly and radically transformed! I saw many ways that I was living in sin and because I had met a God that had truly changed my life I did my very best to leave those things behind. I must admit restructuring my sinful habits and thoughts was a pleasure at the time and I did not feel an enormous “pressure” to do so, I merely wanted to. But I do see how as a zealous, young believer I went to a total extreme. In not knowing how to properly “integrate” my old life with the new, I basically cut off all of the old in order to try and get firm footing in this new way of life I had discovered. I quit smoking, drinking, smoking weed, lying, stealing, and other obvious things that I felt were sinful. I tried to work on my sarcasm. I cut myself off from all of my “old” friends that I felt might “bring me down”. At one point I even stopped watching television and movies that did not have to do with God, and I would not listen to any “secular” music.

Looking back, I do not regret these decisions, and I do think they were necessary for me to learn what it meant to serve God, after 16 years of serving myself, but I also see how it limited my interaction with other people living in the world around me. I was definitely not “of” the world, but it was getting to the point where I was also not “in” it! It became more and more difficult to relate to others that were in fact living in the world, the very people that I was also called to love and lead to God. I know I came off as self righteous to many. If you want proof just ask my step dad about my reaction to him playing Bob Marley for my little baby (at the time) brother Eli. But time went on, my journey continued, and I began to see the importance of grace and love, and not only being bound by certain rules and regulations.

Fast forward a little bit…I found myself living, and working amongst hardened youth who make the streets of downtown Cape Town their home. I saw that in order to make a true and lasting impact in their lives I would need to live the gospel rather than preach it. I saw how many people passed through their lives, gave their input and opinions, and then went about their way. I saw the need to walk alongside them and attempt to let my actions speak louder than my words. I saw how these children have been hurt by so many Christians who tell them they are “wrong, bad, sinful, going to hell” and so on and yet never really offered an alternative for them. So through the years of living and working amongst these children, I would say there were definitely times when I went to the other extreme, where I put grace far above the hatred that I should feel for sin. At times, I came off equally self righteous as I did before, but this time I was sitting on the opposite wing (the left rather than the right), and my judgments were mostly aimed at Christians who I felt were judgmental and hypocritical. I realized that way of life is equally undesirable.

I now find myself somewhere in the middle, but definitely not perfectly smack dab in the center, and often leaning to one side or the other, and usually towards the left. Honestly, I do not think we will ever get it perfect. As a matter of fact, I am sure that we won’t! But I do not think that should stop us from trying. One of the most helpful compasses in my own personal journey was reading how Jesus responded when He was asked what the most important commandment is. Jesus said, “First in importance is, ‘Listen Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these. (Mark 12:29-31 – The Message)

I think it is interesting that when He was asked what the most important commandment (singular) is, He replied by giving two: Love God & Love others. For me, this is a answer to our predicament, though not a once off solution. If we love God in the way we are supposed to, we will most likely live lives that are pleasing to Him and stay away from things that push us further away from Him, but if we follow that up with the priority of loving others, we will be forced to live lives of acceptance and grace. We do not have the choice to choose one or the other. We can’t live isolated and totally separated lives that end up coming off as self righteous and judgmental towards others. But we equally cannot afford to live a life in service to others, neglecting that our first priority should be to love God.

I think Paul really summed it up nicely in his letter to the Galatians, Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God...Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you...It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out – in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? (Galatians 3:3-4, 5:1, 5:13-15 – The Message)

I think true freedom is somewhere in the middle!

Off the Beaten Path

Sometimes I wonder if we as Christians lie to ourselves about what it really and truly means to be a Christian; to follow Christ in the true meaning of His message and legacy. I have an American friend who lives here in Cape Town. She loves God and is a wonderful artist. But one thing that is very disturbing to me about her is she is seemingly misunderstood by friends, family, and others that she is connected to back in the States. She feels called to Cape Town for the time being. She volunteers at a home for young men and gives countless hours of her time and energy in service to them. She creates beautiful art. But to many American Christians she is seen as “irresponsible”.

This is probably because we both come from one of the wealthiest countries in the world; a place where the “American Dream” is still alive and kicking. People work their entire lives to get good educations, which lead to well paying jobs, which leads to being “successful”. This success is often gauged on material stuff: a big house, a nice car (or two), all kinds of appliances, televisions, YMCA memberships, lots of money and loads and loads of stuff…throw in the white picket fence, a faithful dog and two-point-something kids and you have the American Dream. The country we come from has individual States that have a higher Gross Domestic Product than whole countries! For interest sake, I come from Tennessee, which has a Gross Domestic Product similar to that of Iran. No one would argue the fact that Americans are hard workers and are very successful!

Ironically, maybe only to me, America also views itself as a “Christian Nation”. A statement of faith, “In God We Trust” is written on the notes of the American currency to this day! For me, that is an in-your-face example of how the culture of striving to be materially successful is often intertwined with Christian beliefs in America. It is in this environment that the “prosperity message” was birthed; “God wants us to live life abundantly and the more you have, the better you make Him look”. I am not saying that every American Christian is wrong, or that every American Christian is striving to be rich. But I am saying that being materially wealthy is an extremely common quality found in many American believers. So it makes since that someone who challenges that lifestyle would not be all that well received or understood, and that person would, in turn, probably receive a bit of flack from friends, family, and his or her church.

After a difficult visit to the States my friend wrote something on an airline napkin on the plane ride back to South Africa. She later created a piece of art in which she beautifully painted her words to a canvas. One day I saw it hanging on her wall and I was moved by it. I could feel the pain in her words, but also the hope and dreams with which they were laced. I asked her if she would write it down for me and she did. Here are her words,

“I want to see life in its raw form. I want to be an artist here, to create meaning that deals with the messiness of the world. I want to be a part of something that matters. I want to be transformed. I want to be fully here. I want to dive deeply with integrity. I want to stop treading mindless so called necessities and breathe. I want to live boldly, value the process and enjoy the mess. I want to seek truth, seep joy, to reflect light. I want to be free.”

These words are beautiful to me. What is equally beautiful is to see her living these things out on a daily basis. She is doing just what she wants to do! She is in the place she is supposed to be. She is impacting people and communities around her. And she is being faithful to serve God and others. I guess I can’t expect someone who lives a totally different life, with totally different values, in a totally different part of the globe, to truly understand my friend and embrace the life that she lives. But I wish they could. I can only imagine what this world would be like if people were not held down by expectations of family, friends, and society; if people stepped out of the comfort that they know to live a freeing life in service to others and not in service to their mortgages. I guess this stepping out can look irresponsible to some, but I am reminded of other pillars of the Christian faith that did the same.

I think of one man in particular. A man who did not even get started with what he was called to do until the age of 30. A man that had no mortgage to pay because he had no home to speak of. A man that had very few material possessions that we know of; namely the clothes on his back. A man who spent much of his time just “hanging out” with his friends and other people that crossed his path. A man that was never married and never had any children. A man that had no education that we know about. A man that was known to hang out with prostitutes, beggars, sick, poor and other undesirable characters. A man that lived a totally non-materialistic life, striving to bring glory to the Father in all that he did, and knowing that his wealth was in eternal things. A man that lived a totally radical life, and was eventually killed for it. I guess by now you know who I am speaking about.

What is difficult for me to understand is, if this is the man we say we all follow, then why is my friend’s lifestyle so “out of the ordinary” and looked down upon. Why is this type of lifestyle not the “norm”?

I Choose Love

I feel that often, as Christians, we underestimate the power of love. We say we love God. We say we love others. But it often seems in our zealousness and convictions we forget what it truly means to love. I look at myself first and specifically think back to the years when I first became a Christian. Though I grew up “in church” I was far from being a Christian until the age of 16. That is when I met with God in a real way and I can say that divine “meeting” was definitely ushered through the actions of one loving family that I was in daily contact with. I was a pretty angry, rebellious teenager. I am pretty sure that family knew the “things” I got up to, but it did not stop them from inviting me into their home on a daily basis, showing no judgments towards me or my life choices, and merely loving me as I was.

This totally changed my life. Before that I experienced Christians as hypocritical people waiting to judge my every move and condemn me to hell for the things I was, or wasn’t, doing. So when I was introduced to a nonjudgmental, unconditional love it was totally life changing. And it was through that love that I came into a relationship with God. I remember being a young zealous Christian and wanting everyone to experience my new found joy. In that zealousness I know there were times when I became pushy in my tactics in trying to share it with others. I do know that this was out of a pure place; truly wanting others to share in what I had experienced. But looking back, I can see how though some may have been touched by my experience, others may have been pushed further away from God by my aggressive tactics in trying to “win them over”.

Fortunately, we all make mistakes and always have room to grow! The more I read about Jesus the more I saw that He really lived a radical life of just loving and accepting people. I saw that accepting someone for who they are does not mean that I have to agree with or accept the things they are doing, or their lifestyle choices, but accepting a person for who they are, and purely loving them has greater power than trying to convince them of something else, or push them to change. I am moved by a quote that is often used from St. Francis of Assisi when he said, “Preach the Gospel always and if necessary use words.” I realize that if we are living lives according to God, loving Him and loving others, we don’t actually have to talk all that much. And often, when we do talk too much, our actions sometimes have a way of negating the words that we speak.

A few months back I attended a gay film festival with a friend. Yes, my friend is gay. And yes, we went to dinner and a movie. We have been friends for almost ten years now. When we first met he was dating women. A few years into our friendship he shared with me a terrible secret that he had never shared with anyone. As a child he had been sexually abused for more than ten years. Now, in his adult life he is socially and sexually confused. Those are his own words, in a summed up form. In the past few years he has been “experimenting” in homosexuality. This did not change what I know about him as a person, and who he is to me as a friend. He knows where I “stand”, and what I believe, and he greatly respects me for it, but I also know that it is not up to me to “change” him. I do feel it is important for me to continue to be his friend and support and love him in the best way I can.

Anyways, so I went to the gay film festival with him and we watched a documentary called “The Bible Tells Me So”. It was basically about the “Church’s” response to homosexuality. I must admit that I sat through much of the film feeling ashamed at what I was seeing. Many of the Christians in the film were angry and aggressive about homosexuality and towards homosexuals. There were even specific cases highlighted where radical groups of “Christians” beat up, and even murdered homosexuals, just because they were homosexual. Sitting there, I had a picture of Jesus walking on the earth in modern day times and instead of meeting up with an adulterous woman about to get stoned, he would meet a scared, young homosexual man about to get beat up and murdered by an angry mob at an anti-gay protest. It makes me sad to see Christians as an angry mob, ready to beat up and kill people over their beliefs!

I looked at that angry mob of people, holding signs with hateful phrases and screaming things like, “YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF GOD!!!!” and “GOD HATES YOU!” and I wondered if they really and truly believe that that approach is effective in the slightest way. I guess they do or they wouldn’t be so dedicated to spreading that hate. When I see that it makes me not want to have anything to do with the “God” that they are speaking of, and I am a Christian. Of course, we as humans like to put “sin” on different levels saying one is worse than the other. So the angry mob feels justified in shouting out horrible stuff to homosexuals because homosexuality is “sooooooo bad”, and yet the hate that they display in expressing themselves to the homosexuals is “totally justified”. I guess they haven’t read the part of the Bible where Jesus evened out the playing field and said that even if you look at another person with hate in your eyes it is the same as murder. I know the angry radical mob is an extreme example, but we are all guilty of this to one degree or another.

I guess my point is, I wish we were quicker to love than to judge. I wish we were quicker to give hugs than throw stones. I wish we were quicker to lovingly accept than to cast out and shun. I wish we realized that anger and aggression are not successful “marketing tools”. I wish we realized that acts in love are far more powerful than any words we could ever speak. I wish we knew how to love without “strings attached”. I wish we had the capacity to love people until it hurts, and when there is absolutely nothing to gain from it. I wish we did not compromise our love when we feel that our beliefs are being challenged. I guess the greatest thing is that these wishes are not some far off fantasy. They are in fact achievable. Because in each and every single situation we encounter, love is a choice. And I choose love.